QUIET. PASSIVE. POLITICALLY CORRECT.
Sooo this was absolutely unplanned but after the day yesterday and just feeling so internal for the past week I had this spilling out of me so I thought I'd put it to a post and see if that helps. I know that yesterday I got semi-emotional and I never want to bog y'all down two days in a row but life happens. That being said, if you don't feel like getting all heart-y today then save this post for another day [believe me, I understand]. A heart blog wasn't planned, I actually passed out early last night so I didn't get to even post today which is why this one is later in the day. I hate being cliche and say things like "I'm not good enough"..because that isn't exactly how I feel and I never want someone to read my horrible, negative thoughts about myself and think it's okay to think it. It's totally NOT, it's unhealthy and I promise that I literally have the most confidence in everyone but myself. Don't copy me...I repeat DO NOT COPY ME. I am by no means a role model on self-esteem, y'all.
I believe in change. I don't believe that everyone has great qualities. I believe that people sometimes have sucky qualities, because we're human and experiences or genes or influences made us that way. I don't believe in excuses. I don't believe just because my dad acts a certain way, that means I should. I don't believe because I am 25 that it means I'm too old to change certain aspects. I believe anyone can change at any moment in their life. What I am struggling with is... what to change?!
Negative comments happen. They come your way, you digest them. I've heard that when negative comments come your way, you swallow them, see what is beneficial from them and move on. Well...what I don't get [for myself] is that when is enough, enough? When can I consider a quality just who I am and consider that quality as a beneficial part of my personality and attitude?
I want to just stat facts about myself and say..hear me roar. I actually read a post that was pretty inspiring yesterday and I definitely recommend checking it out by Christa Black. I think my confusion is what qualities should I dispose of and what do I keep?
You see often my passion is mistaken for anger or sass. My humor is considered harsh and abrupt. My loyalty is considered obnoxious and unnecessary. So what do I do?! Do I destroy those parts of myself and grow into someone else that isn't so obnoxious, harsh and sassy or do I embrace that I am fiercely loyal, passionate and my sense of humor is a huge part of who I am.
I read so many articles saying to embrace yourself but what if others considered the qualities that make you, well you... a bad thing. I am stuck. I always want to be moving forward, I love goals, I love lists, I love accomplishing things but I just feel stuck. Stuck in who I am supposed to be. Stuck in trying to be this strong gal that God made me to be but feeling so weak. Stuck in moving in some sort of forward direction in most areas of my life. Of course, in my overdramatic mind everyone else has their crap figured out and here I am just hanging out watching others flourish. [Not overdramatic at all, right ha!] I want someone out there that may be struggling with what is it about me that seems so unlikable and what if that is just who I am and how can I turn these into positives qualities to know that you aren't alone. I have no idea what I'm doing and I want to have faith that I will figure it out and preserve into being this widely lovable person.
I know it's thanksgiving week and who wants to read a blog that is deep but life doesn't stop for the holidays, does it?! I am choosing to be grateful today in the midst of hurt and confusion for my willingness to change. I am going to like that part of myself today.
I am also choosing to love ALL parts of my sweet reader friends today because you are good and you listen to me, encourage me and love on me. Thanks for giving me a space to grow!