your brain on depression.

It has been one of those few weeks..depression loves to sneak in right smack dab in the middle of what you think is a breakthrough.

So here it is....here I am...in the middle of the up time and a big down hits. Sends you spiraling even worse because you thought it was gone. You thought you had reached the end of the tunnel and then BOOM, the tunnel gets longer and darker this time around.

I read this article yesterday as I was sitting in a dark bedroom, alone with my feelings.... #worstideaever for someone with depression and yet that's where I always find myself. Alone, sitting, to think, over and over.

 

 So you take your medicine as prescribed, you try to incorporate sunlight, exercise, social activity, omega 3's...everything you've heard that will help kick this horrible illness. Yet, every couple weeks you get smacked right onto your knees in front of what it feels like everyone. Everyone who looks on with confusion, they try to have patience but the process is long and gut-wrenching....they ask questions like is happiness a choice?! Ha! I wish it were that easy....

So if I just wake up thankful everyday then I should be ready to take on the day right?! Spoken like someone who doesn't know or doesn't want to be honest with how it feels to be mentally, emotionally and almost physically paralyzed for something that you can't put into words.

Do I know what will help?! A relationship with my Lord and Savior, you say? Because I've seen my friends post continuously on social media about how great He is making their lives and them feel. Yet when I am around them, they don't live like He is the only one they breathe for?! So what am I to believe? The God that I prayed to for 10 years to heal my brother but that didn't pan out...I'm supposed to go to Him to help me through this....Yes, I know...that's the thing I know He's the answer to most of my problems..He's the ultimate healer...but it's hard and why can't I just be honest about that?! Why do people have to act like the first time they prayed it worked?! I prayed for some many years for Micah...and nothing. Is it me!? Am I not worthy and they are? I try to be honest with everything but maybe I should just fake it like everyone else...then maybe He'll see me too. So here I am...back at work..with a semi-fuzzy brain. I've taken the medicine prescribed to get me through the day. I'm existing. I'm here not present but just here. Looking for answers, for some completion to a long battle. My mom needs me. Tripp wants me here. I'll stay...I'll wake up everyday, take my medicine and get through the trenches. I will not be fake though, I can't. If you need me, I'll be here where I always am. I just wanted to let people who may not know the struggle, in on a hard day and the mind of depression. A battle ground.

Please know that my blog won't always be a downer, because I am not always down. I just want to be honest with you guys. Some days are harder, some are just okay and some are amazing. I'm gonna share all of that with y'all in hopes that my honesty helps someone along the way and that as I grow I can grow with this great community!