Trying to get a clinically depressed person on a schedule is like trying to get a giraffe through a tiny home...get it?! We have the best intentions but it's really beyond control.
[ps. this is how I feel most days]
I started going to 2 new doctors about 3 weeks ago. I am officially desperate for a change in my life and I am not ashamed! First on my to-do list from the doctors: wake up the same time everyday..MUSCLE MEMORY, y'all.
I am not doing great on that..the best I have made was 4 out of 7 days the past 3 weeks but little victories. Normally I struggle to get up and stay up, the feeling is of constant hollow and exhaustion but the doctor thinks getting my body used to getting up and staying up will help on the tiredness. If I do nap, it is only supposed to be for 45 minutes. Honestly, this is a major fail for the first two weeks. This week has been FAR better though so if I'm looking at progress day by day, well I feel satisifed.
Also, another obstacle is showering everyday [which I am 2 for 2 on and that is my longest streak so far]...it's ridiculous but you get to a point in your depression where that isn't even something you are interested in. This is coming from the girl that you used to do full hair and makeup everyday even on days that I didn't have school or work.
This is kind of a scattered blog but just giving y'all an inside look at what depression does to you. Showering doesn't matter when living doesn't matter.
I've noticed since going through death and grief how many things just don't interest me anymore. Since my brother died, I have blocked karate out of my life, public speaking [which we didn't even do together but I have no desire to do it anymore], sports [this coming from the former sportscaster wanna be] and a few more superficial things that seem small but were a huge part of my life. I look at my life in two parts...who I was before Micah's death and who I am after and I really hope I am a different person. I can't imagine going through something that painful and not changing. I just want to make sure it has more of a positive impact on my life and these last few weeks I can see that more than ever since April 5th, 2014.
It's such a battle but I refuse to let it overcome me. I think making the effort to go to the doctor is a huge step and I'm excited for what's to come. I want to be as honest as I can with y'all during this journey so you can see, relate, understand. I am going to the doctor weekly so I hope to do some sort of weekly mental check ins to let you know the small things we are accomplishing each week. She does want me to continue blogging and to blog more since I only have positive things to say about this hobby since it has entered my life. I expressed that you guys are probably maxed out on the depression talk and she reminded me that it is my little space on the internet and if it was helping me to talk about it on here then continue because maybe it can be used for some good..even for y'all. Maybe y'all will feel someone to relate to, or better understand someone in your life or heck even if it makes yourself feel better when you compare yourself to me..[ha, which isn't hard by the way].
As always..thanks for taking the time out of your day to visit my blog and love on me!
Good for you, Lindsay. I understand the difficulty of keeping up with the blog, especially when you have other serious life situations going on. So glad you're doing something about it, though! Maybe get up at a set time and plan on going to the gym (if you can) and do not make an excuse! It takes 21 days to form a habit and I have lived by that quote for almost 2 years. You can do it!!!
ReplyDeleteStaci
www.missbloodymary.com
So glad you're back! I'm sorry that you've been hurting but I'm so proud of you for seeking help! I really think small changes in routine can have a huge impact. I definitely think you should utilize your blog as an outlet. Looking forward to hearing from you more!
ReplyDeleteThinking about you, Lindsay. You write whatever you want that helps you and makes you feel good. Your words will help all that read them. I know you can beat this. Remember, one small step at a time to climb such a huge mountain and don't be hard on yourself.
ReplyDeletePraying for you Lindsay! I can only imagine how difficult all of this is for you and just know that you have supporters out there rooting for you, you can beat this! :)
ReplyDeleteYour doctor is right-- this is your space on the internet to talk about what you want to talk about. I love keeping up with your blog! Praying for you, girl!
ReplyDeletePraying for you, Lindsay. And your doc is right... this IS your little space so you can talk about whatever you wanna talk about! The most important thing that you can do right now is what's best for YOU, not what you think is best for others. Take care of yourself first!
ReplyDeleteYaaaayyyy for you coming back. I miss your comments on my blog :( As one speaking from the same experience, the best thing you could do for yourself is do what you need to do. If that's taking time off, then so be it! But I did miss you! My therapist truly helped me and i'm glad that you are going to one now. Keep up the heart blogs. It doesn't bother any of us :)
ReplyDeleteSending big hugs your way!!! It sounds like you're getting some great advice and doing some great routine things to feel better. Xoxoxoxox
ReplyDeletePraying for you Lindsay, You've got this girl!
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave! Thank God we serve an amazing God who can heal!! I know that He will heal you. Thank you for sharing this with us. Cannot wait to witness the transformation!!
ReplyDeleteYou've got this girl!! Lean hard in to God right now; He will give you the strength to get through this. The doctor is the smartest thing to do; get on those meds and get a plan going. No shame in taking meds when you need it; that is why God gave us doctors and meds. Rooting for you girly!! One day at a time; step by step.
ReplyDelete