A lot of my depression stems from anger. Anger towards my faith in God, anger towards how other people's lives turned out, anger at myself. Anger towards God in the sense that I prayed for so long for healing on my family and I know I haven't been completely transparent with y'all. As you know, my brother passed away from an overdose, I will never hide that but my dad is also an addict and not a recovering one unforunately so I walk around with a lot of anger due to the fact that I see people turn away from addiction but I haven't seen someone that is so near to my heart. It brings up questions like what's wrong with my prayers that I don't deserve them answered? or I picture God as a vengeful God and all my mistakes must have lead me to this life of sorrow as you watch such close members of your family disappear and I'm not just talking about a little anger but YEARS of anger.
But I've been really wrestling with a lot of things in my head lately when it dawned on me...God didn't promise me a life with a father and a mother and siblings. He didn't promise me a marriage. He didn't promise me a car and a career that I love. He didn't even promise me good health, he promised me an eternal life with Him if I ask for forgiveness from my sin and turn and repent. The rest is just icing on the cake. So here lately, I have been constantly repeating "And Even Not" meaning and even if I never have a relationship with my dad and if I don't see him recover and if I have to bury him like I did my brother. That is just a one of many examples of where I have been using that statement. I know today wasn't showing y'all what my favorite pins on pinterest were or instagram pics on what's been going on in Lindsay's world. I hope that you see I've given y'all an inside look at my heart and also feel how grateful I am for this blog.
See y'all tomorrow for a not so heavy post from this Not A Mom! PS. I'm doing my first guest post over at Colors of Life today and so excited for it, please check it out!