Wednesday, October 14, 2015

heart blog: the comeback kid.

Don't call it a comeback, y'all. {anytime I think comeback I think this song ha side note!}

 It has been over a week since I've talked to y'all and it feels sooooo gooood to be back! It was definitely not a planned hiatus and I am fortunately here to say everyone is alive and well. DEPRESSION sucks y'all, like blows. It comes in about once a month and knocks you on your butt for several days and this time, it brought friends. It got to a point where I thought I had been down so long I couldn't come back to my little corner of the internet but I know as a person of faith that it was satan and I'm sick of that guy. He has his stronghold of depression around my neck and some days I give in {not completely} but enough to feel dead while still alive but this week I've been more inspired than normal to completely kick this illness on its butt. It had almost convienced me I couldn't do this blog but I need this blog. This blog is a source of joy and light in my life and I don't want to lose it or my blogging friends. I can honestly say the worst part is that you'll have some really good weeks like the one when I had last posted, I thought I had good material to post that week. I was getting great feedback. I had worked out. Everything at my actual job was on point and then BAM. It comes back worse and puts you farther behind and I will say that I usually give up. But today I am not. I will not give up my job. I will not give up my marriage. or my blog. or friendships. not even hot yoga and my wellness. More importantly I will not give up my faith, faith that even in the storms I have a heavenly Father that has promises to fulfill on me.

A lot of my depression stems from anger. Anger towards my faith in God, anger towards how other people's lives turned out, anger at myself. Anger towards God in the sense that I prayed for so long for healing on my family and I know I haven't been completely transparent with y'all. As you know, my brother passed away from an overdose, I will never hide that but my dad is also an addict and not a recovering one unforunately so I walk around with a lot of anger due to the fact that I see people turn away from addiction but I haven't seen someone that is so near to my heart. It brings up questions like what's wrong with my prayers that I don't deserve them answered? or I picture God as a vengeful God and all my mistakes must have lead me to this life of sorrow as you watch such close members of your family disappear and I'm not just talking about a little anger but YEARS of anger.

But I've been really wrestling with a lot of things in my head lately when it dawned on me...God didn't promise me a life with a father and a mother and siblings. He didn't promise me a marriage. He didn't promise me a car and a career that I love. He didn't even promise me good health, he promised me an eternal life with Him if I ask for forgiveness from my sin and turn and repent. The rest is just icing on the cake. So here lately, I have been constantly repeating "And Even Not" meaning and even if I never have a relationship with my dad and if I don't see him recover and if I have to bury him like I did my brother. That is just a one of many examples of where I have been using that statement. I know today wasn't showing y'all what my favorite pins on pinterest were or instagram pics on what's been going on in Lindsay's world. I hope that you see I've given y'all an inside look at my heart and also feel how grateful I am for this blog.

See y'all tomorrow for a not so heavy post from this Not A Mom! PS. I'm doing my first guest post over at Colors of Life today and so excited for it, please check it out!



  1. Wow, Linds so powerful and beautifully written! I love your vulnerable posts. It's so true that God didn't promise us things we often think he should. Remember, you are enough. Don't let the negative thoughts consume you. Love you girlfran xoxo

  2. I'm so sorry to hear that you're battling this - but you are going to come out on the other side (like you already have) and just remember we may not "know" you but we're here for you! xo, Biana -BlovedBoston

  3. I love that you're so vulnerable. And you know I already understand how you're feeling and my heart just breaks for you. My pastor preached on the topic of "Why does God allow pain and suffering?" a couple weeks ago, and it was just great to hear those things from a pastor's point of view you know? If you want to watch/listen here's the link:
    Praying for you xoxooxox

  4. Sending you a huge hug!!! This is such a great post and I'm sure many, many readers can relate. Know you have all us internet friends to support you!!!!! :)

  5. I am so happy you're back!! Like Biana said...we are here for you!!

  6. This is so amazingly beautiful...
    So many people do have that anger to God but I love the realization that nothing is promised on this earth... only told we will have hardships - but He is with us even then.
    I get it... my brother in law died this year due to alcohol & drugs... so easy to be mad. But its the world, not God that takes over here :( Thanks for sharing your heart

  7. Oh sweet friend, I had no idea. I am so so so sorry for the struggles. We all have struggles but, some are darker than others and while I don't have the words to make it better I want you to know I"m here for you. I"m here to pray for and with you and to talk to if you need. It is hard when you feel like YOUR prayers are the ones not getting answered, it is THE HARDEST thing to deal with right? Keeping your faith is tough, but it is what will get you through your darkest times. <3

  8. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this, and I really hope you are able to get through it and come out even stronger. Don't ever worry about sharing pinterest this or instagram that, it's your blog and clearly it's a good outlet for you, so keep on doing whatever you want :)

  9. I am so sorry that you have all these struggles♥♥ I like the way you look at things though♥♥

  10. I'm so happy to see you back here, Lindsay! Know that you were missed! As soon as you posted again, I though, "yay! She's blogging again!"

    I didn't know that depression was something you deal with, but thank you for being so vulnerable with us...I know that's hard. You have people from bloggy world praying for you! XO

  11. SOOO glad you're back! I got really worried last week when you hadn't posted for a couple days when you always post consecutively and it's a highlight of my boring day at work!

    So sorry you're going through that terrible mess. It's not fair... but life isn't fair. Your post is so vulnerable and heartfelt. I know it's hard to have faith a lot of times or to not be afraid, but just believe (Mark 5:36). I know addiction in (I'm sure) a semi-less severe form so if you ever need a listener or another girlfriend to talk to, I'm here! So glad you're back!


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