So we reached the 6 month anniversary, then the 7 month anniversary since my last post, we also celebrated my 24th birthday and got through Halloween. It is obvious that every 5th of the month will be a hard day this year, he died on the 5th. It is also obvious that every holiday will be tough, my birthday was tough because he was always a big part of it, growing up just two of us. Halloween was tough because for over 15 years Halloween was a big deal in our neighborhood so I am flooded with memories. Up next is Thanksgiving and Christmas, I feel lucky that my husband finally recognized at my birthday that maybe we need to do things different than normal and that I need a break when it comes to holidays. I have made it through Mothers & Fathers Day, Easter, every 5th of the month, His Birthday, My Wedding, My Birthday and I am spent to say the least with this year and these emotions so as the holidays approach I need a break, I need something different. Color me emotionally exhausted.
I think the most important thing I have learned this past month is that I haven't fully accepted it yet. I have dreams about Micah at least 4 days a week. Some day's I think about his voice and that I can't hear it again and it blows my mind. Utter disbelief. So here I am..realizing that acceptance hasn't cleared in the bank of my mind. I know I will never get over it, nor do I want to. I want to able to talk about him without sobbing, think about the life he had left to live without regret, consider the role I lost as a sister without anger. We are full blown in month 7 and this is where I am.
I heard an interview by Nicole Kidman on Ellen this past month and it really resonated with me. She is talking about the death of her dad and how scared everyone is to talk to her now, almost making her into the grieving freak. It just smacked me in the face that the world is such a disturbing place when it comes to real emotions and it is so sad that when suicide is at all time high that people can't even find it in their hearts to muster up some understanding and compassion to someone grieving. People are so scared of it because of how awkward and uncomfortable it is. I can say I have lost more friends than a few since April 5th. I am not saddened by losing them but saddened that I live in a society where we push things like acceptance to things we don't know (homosexuality, gender complexes, the emo kids, the hipsters, the quiet ones) but where do the grievers fit in?!We don't expect you to know what to say to us, but avoiding or acting like we are a group of freaks will get us all no where fast. We need to put those that are grieving and the issue of grief in the forefront. Grief affects everyone at some point, you don't need facts to show you that.
Just a look at the numbers:
Every 90 seconds a person succeeds at a suicide attempt. In the US, 8 million people suffered through the death of someone in their immediate family for 2013. 800,000 new widows and widowers for 2014 so far and 400,00 people under 25 suffered from the death of a loved one (I am 1. There are 399,000 like me suffering just this year).
I've found that numbers make things more real for people. This needs to be an issue we talk about, in every day conversation, in churches. We need small groups for grievers and an acceptance needs to be taught to those who have been fortunate to not experience grief yet. Can we all just recognize that GRIEF is the one thing that will affect us ALL at one point?! Im not trying to bring everything down but I think sometimes we need a kick in the butt to realize. What would you want from people as someone who is grieving...then give that to someone who is currently in despair. Help others. Help yourself. I'm finding comfort in God's promises that "..weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." I pray that one day the grievers won't have to a part of this society's freak show.