what isn't changing..

hi beautiful friends!

Thank you all so much for the congrats on our news! We are VERY excited and it's always so nice to hear that others are so supportive of us. We need it!

 

[ps. how terrifying is it that these two people in adult onesies are having a child?!]

I think all I mentioned last blog was how terrified I am but it is honestly the truth. Something else I didn't mention was how I won't be changing my blog. Something that has always been very important to me was to not lose me when I gain a role in life. I never wanted to JUST be a wife, or JUST a mom. Which was the main reason I started not a mom, I know so many girls that when they became a mother they truly felt that it was their calling in life which is so great but that was never me. I mean why can't we be a bunch of different roles if that's what we want?! That's exactly what I want. I love being a wife, I've always been a daughter, I miss being a sister and now I'm excited to be a mom. 

I want my blog to still be my little space on the internet to talk all things that relate to me. I will keep y'all updated on the pregnancy but trust me when I say y'all definitely don't need another post "Items to get you through your pregnancy" "What to put on your baby registry" or "What all new moms should know"...I am definitely not the one that should be blogging about that and I have found so many helpful articles on those subjects that have already been written by women much wiser than myself.

I will be updating you on the pregnancy, talking body after baby, figuring out what my career will look like and what some new career goals are, dealing with depression and being a wife. I still love fashion, but I don't believe I should be the one telling you what to wear..I mean I can barely get myself together lately. I love make up, but I need to read tutorials not give them. I love fitness, but right now my main goal is to walk a mile a day. I have so much going on and changing but one thing I wanted to make sure that y'all knew was that lindsayotis.blogspot.com- formerly NOTAMOM, now Life of Lo won't be just a pregnancy/mom blog. It'll still be a Lindsay blog!


Excited to be participating in What's up Wednesday for the 1st time in a good while tomorrow! Check back here!  

 

still not a mom.

It's been a while on this lovely corner of my world and for that I have regrets but I miss it and would like to have a space again so this is my attempt back. Whether anyone is interested in it or will even read this is another story.

First things first, I'm the realest..just kidding. But for real, there is some obvious changes like the name to my page. It's not because I am here to announce anything but instead so my little corner can stand all the seasons of my life. I feel like "not a mom" was an accurate description of my life for a season but I shouldn't just blog about my life as not a mom. I want the whole thing, I want to talk about everything and see who may stumble onto this page and find somewhere to relate. Male, female, brother, sister, wife, husband, mom, dad, etc.

I want to start talking again about my depression, about our marriage, about life as a coach's wife, my career path, my relationship with God and so much more. I am in this headspace that I am trying to LOVE EVERY SEASON of my life. Whatever this season may look like because it is that. ONLY A SEASON. Good seasons, bad seasons, dry seasons, hard seasons, fun seasons, exhilarating seasons. I will be doing some heart blogs again, some link-ups with my favorite blogs, some fun blogs, some life lately and sharing an insight to what is going on my head. If you want to following along, I'm so appreciative of all the friends I have made through this blog's lifetime.

[us.recently.]

Bacccckkkk!

I'm comin' home and I have LOTS to update!!! 


C youuuu all soon! aka: tomorrow for a complete LIFE update! Read my blog tomorrow and I'll tell you the highs and lows of this life.



xoxox

heart blog: what else can be taken away?

Wow! Life y'all. The ups and downs and constant changing is a lot to keep up for the girl that doesn't like change but I'm learning to deal. I don't have much of a choice, do I? Nope.

I'll do another post next week on what changes has been happening for my life personally. Today is a hard issue that has been on my mind since last week and I need this outlet to vent and then be able to accept what decision I've made and move on.

I haven't been able to finish my story (which I will!) but me and my dad have always had a tumultuous relationship. He has been an addict the majority of my life unfortunately and unlike my brother, he has not recognized his problem nor ever wanted help for it. Therefore as it stands, we are not on speaking terms because I gave him an ultimatum of 1) Being Honest and 2) Getting Help before I can have a relationship with him again. My therapist was in agreement that in order to stop being hurt by our relationship, I needed to make a decision and I did. I feel comfortable with that decision and confident in it.

But things change and now another decision needs to be made. My dad has been diagnosed with cancer, I want to say allegedly because I heard it from his mouth and I don't trust him. I wouldn't be surprised if he did because he has always treated his body like it is invincible and even when we learned that it is not through my brother, he is still in denial. My mom is set to go to the doctor with him today though so I will know for a fact this afternoon. So here I am with this decision of ....what does this change for me? As it stands, I don't think it should change alot. The only thing with my decision is that I need to be at a point that when something happens to him, I have no regrets because unfortunately just like with my brother, my decision is mine and there is no one else to blame it on when it is all said and done.

So my decision, if he still hasn't recognized his issue and still won't be honest with me...then what should this change. I can't have sympathy for a man that barely wants me in his life and doesn't think enough of me to give me a honest relationship.

I guess more than a "what should I do" post...I just need to vent. My dad may have a limited time left on this earth but besides sending up prayers for him, I don't think there should be much involvement on my end because I have boundaries and that is self-protection because if my father won't see it well enough to make sure I don't get hurt than I will make it my own job.

I can barely comprehend making this decision because I can't fathom the fact that drugs are taking two of the closet people in my life away. Drugs are taking so much in my life away and the fact that I have never taken them is sort of incomprehensible, I feel out of control. I can't control what all is being taken away so what can I control is my question? Of course, I control the fact that I don't touch drugs and that I've accepted that addiction is in my family and I always need to be on alert of maybe an addictive behavior I could have. I think I just feel sad, I feel sad that my family of 4 will never be whole and happy on earth, I do have faith so I believe that there is the possibility of us being together in heaven but as I am on this earth, I will not have my whole family. My kids one day, won't have an uncle or a granddad. I don't want them to have bad ideas of my family, I want them to know that they had a granddad and an uncle and that we loved them but also that addiction is real, it is a part of their family's history and we all need to recognize and stay on track with it and with our self-care routines, mental health is huge for me. I hope that I teach how important it is to my kids.

I hope you will send up prayers for me, as well. I have a decision that affects my future and that I can only hope I am making the right decision. This is real life adulting, y'all and it ain't always pretty.


 I love you all. I am thankful for this community of support!

heart blog: routine

you, beautiful people, you! 

Trying to get a clinically depressed person on a schedule is like trying to get a giraffe through a tiny home...get it?! We have the best intentions but it's really beyond control.

 [ps. this is how I feel most days]

I started going to 2 new doctors about 3 weeks ago. I am officially desperate for a change in my life and I am not ashamed! First on my to-do list from the doctors: wake up the same time everyday..MUSCLE MEMORY, y'all.

I am not doing great on that..the best I have made was 4 out of 7 days the past 3 weeks but little victories. Normally I struggle to get up and stay up, the feeling is of constant hollow and exhaustion but the doctor thinks getting my body used to getting up and staying up will help on the tiredness. If I do nap, it is only supposed to be for 45 minutes. Honestly, this is a major fail for the first two weeks. This week has been FAR better though so if I'm looking at progress day by day, well I feel satisifed.

Also, another obstacle is showering everyday [which I am 2 for 2 on and that is my longest streak so far]...it's ridiculous but you get to a point in your depression where that isn't even something you are interested in. This is coming from the girl that you used to do full hair and makeup everyday even on days that I didn't have school or work.

This is kind of a scattered blog but just giving y'all an inside look at what depression does to you. Showering doesn't matter when living doesn't matter.

I've noticed since going through death and grief how many things just don't interest me anymore. Since my brother died, I have blocked karate out of my life, public speaking [which we didn't even do together but I have no desire to do it anymore], sports [this coming from the former sportscaster wanna be] and a few more superficial things that seem small but were a huge part of my life. I look at my life in two parts...who I was before Micah's death and who I am after and I really hope I am a different person. I can't imagine going through something that painful and not changing. I just want to make sure it has more of a positive impact on my life and these last few weeks I can see that more than ever since April 5th, 2014.

It's such a battle but I refuse to let it overcome me. I think making the effort to go to the doctor is a huge step and I'm excited for what's to come. I want to be as honest as I can with y'all during this journey so you can see, relate, understand. I am going to the doctor weekly so I hope to do some sort of weekly mental check ins to let you know the small things we are accomplishing each week. She does want me to continue blogging and to blog more since I only have positive things to say about this hobby since it has entered my life. I expressed that you guys are probably maxed out on the depression talk and she reminded me that it is my little space on the internet and if it was helping me to talk about it on here then continue because maybe it can be used for some good..even for y'all. Maybe y'all will feel someone to relate to, or better understand someone in your life or heck even if it makes yourself feel better when you compare yourself to me..[ha, which isn't hard by the way].

As always..thanks for taking the time out of your day to visit my blog and love on me! 

holiday break is OVA.

hi wonderful friends! welcome to the new year at Not A Mom! 

This isn't really a heart blog as much as a heart UPDATE! I know it's been a few weeks since I've gotten to be with y'all and it was definitely not planned. The holidays were really kicking my butt with my depression and missing my brother so I decided to just take the break to really relax and unplug. I did just that and I have to say it was the best call for me. One thing I love about my blog not being my job and just being my hobby is that I can be real about my depression and say when I need a break and honestly, my little blogging space is normally a nice little escape from it which is why I started it.

That being said, blogging world was covered up with Christmas posts and I knew my heart just wasn't in it this year. I hate making recommendations for anyone but honestly, anyone struggling with depression especially around the holidays...UNPLUG. I had the two weeks off from work and so did Tripp, minus some wrestling matches so it was nice just to be with him and enjoy relaxing together. We took more naps than ever [well he played video games and I napped], cleaned our house and started the first season of Dexter.

My mom had surgery the Monday before Christmas so that occupied some time as well. We had two get together's with Tripp's fam and one with mine. Christmas day in Alabama was full of tornado warnings which took my mind off of missing my brother, for sure ha. Unfortunately, I really didn't even take any pictures to share with y'all over the holiday break. But I am glad to be BACK and I have SO much planned for 2016. Tripp and I declared this year the year of the OTIS's and I love that I can take y'all with me on this journey.

heart blog: things I've never been

QUIET. PASSIVE. POLITICALLY CORRECT.

Hi beauties! 

Sooo this was absolutely unplanned but after the day yesterday and just feeling so internal for the past week I had this spilling out of me so I thought I'd put it to a post and see if that helps. I know that yesterday I got semi-emotional and I never want to bog y'all down two days in a row but life happens. That being said, if you don't feel like getting all heart-y today then save this post for another day [believe me, I understand]. A heart blog wasn't planned, I actually passed out early last night so I didn't get to even post today which is why this one is later in the day. I hate being cliche and say things like "I'm not good enough"..because that isn't exactly how I feel and I never want someone to read my horrible, negative thoughts about myself and think it's okay to think it. It's totally NOT, it's unhealthy and I promise that I literally have the most confidence in everyone but myself. Don't copy me...I repeat DO NOT COPY ME. I am by no means a role model on self-esteem, y'all.

I believe in change. I don't believe that everyone has great qualities. I believe that people sometimes have sucky qualities, because we're human and experiences or genes or influences made us that way. I don't believe in excuses. I don't believe just because my dad acts a certain way, that means I should. I don't believe because I am 25 that it means I'm too old to change certain aspects. I believe anyone can change at any moment in their life. What I am struggling with is... what to change?!

Negative comments happen. They come your way, you digest them. I've heard that when negative comments come your way, you swallow them, see what is beneficial from them and move on. Well...what I don't get [for myself] is that when is enough, enough? When can I consider a quality just who I am and consider that quality as a beneficial part of my personality and attitude?

I want to just stat facts about myself and say..hear me roar. I actually read a post that was pretty inspiring yesterday and I definitely recommend checking it out by Christa Black. I think my confusion is what qualities should I dispose of and what do I keep?

You see often my passion is mistaken for anger or sass. My humor is considered harsh and abrupt. My loyalty is considered obnoxious and unnecessary. So what do I do?! Do I destroy those parts of myself and grow into someone else that isn't so obnoxious, harsh and sassy or do I embrace that I am fiercely loyal, passionate and my sense of humor is a huge part of who I am.

I read so many articles saying to embrace yourself but what if others considered the qualities that make you, well you... a bad thing. I am stuck. I always want to be moving forward, I love goals, I love lists, I love accomplishing things but I just feel stuck. Stuck in who I am supposed to be. Stuck in trying to be this strong gal that God made me to be but feeling so weak. Stuck in moving in some sort of forward direction in most areas of my life. Of course, in my overdramatic mind everyone else has their crap figured out and here I am just hanging out watching others flourish. [Not overdramatic at all, right ha!] I want someone out there that may be struggling with what is it about me that seems so unlikable and what if that is just who I am and how can I turn these into positives qualities to know that you aren't alone. I have no idea what I'm doing and I want to have faith that I will figure it out and preserve into being this widely lovable person.

I know it's thanksgiving week and who wants to read a blog that is deep but life doesn't stop for the holidays, does it?! I am choosing to be grateful today in the midst of hurt and confusion for my willingness to change. I am going to like that part of myself today.

I am also choosing to love ALL parts of my sweet reader friends today because you are good and you listen to me, encourage me and love on me. Thanks for giving me a space to grow!

What Not To Say To An Eating Disorder Survivor

hi my most gorgeous friends! 

{ps. this week is the week of afternoon/night posts due to scheduling, please bear with me!}


This is the kind of post that I have had in my drafts for a bit just trying to make sure I get it right and post it at the right time. I think that with eating disorders comes a lot of misunderstanding. While I do believe most people have good intentions it certainly doesn't always come off like that. So today is one of those days where we dig deep and have a heart blog, I know these can get heavy but I hope that this one can either enlighten you, relate to you or just benefit you in the future when dealing with people that have this certain disorder.

I really want to make sure I get this right for myself and for my community because these are beneficial facts that I feel like people without eating disorders wouldn't necessarily take the time to research how important it is to watch what you say and I don't just mean while they are 82lbs and trying to gain weight...I'm talking the minute it comes to your attention that someone has an eating disorder and never stop. See eating disorders are one of the only addictions that really get set to the side once that person has gained some necessary weight back. The outside world won't put ED's into the same category as a Drug/Alcohol Addiction. I heard someone talking about Drug/Alcohol addictions like, "The moment you think you've overcome, just be mindful that you're addiction is gearing up in the next room ready to take you down." You don't overcome addictions, you manage them and the minute that society can realize that with ED's..then the world will be a much better place. I don't care what my weight is right now, I have an eating disorder. I am not and will never be skinny enough to my standards, I could literally be on my death weighing 76lbs and wouldn't feel skinny enough {I'm saying this from experience]. So I manage it. I manage it because I want to live. I manage it because I think one day I can have confidence. I manage it to fight any type of body dysmorphia I could possibly pass on to my children. I am fighting.

Okay so I got a little side tracked, but I believe because of how we view ED's and the recovery..it brings about some comments that are not and will NEVER be acceptable to say to someone recovering [someone with an ED is always trying to recover FYI].

-I think the number one thing most people say to me that triggers me would be- Complementing how much I eat/ate. This is not only the #1 comment I get but to me, it is the worst one. Please don't ever think that complementing my appetite or clean plate as some kind of positive comment to ensure my well being. In fact, it does the opposite. It makes me realize what I just ate, how much I just ate and how fast that is going to turn into pounds on my body. Added fact, it also makes me very coherent to the fact that you are watching my plate which I don't need to know. 

-Complementing my weight gain. Again, I think most people believe that these complements are encouraging but in NO WAY will I ever take "you look so much better than you used to now that you have meat on your bones" or "your face is so much rounder than it used to be, it looks good" as a positive note for my self-esteem.

-I am constantly thinking about my body image, whether it's when I weigh too little and realize how gross I look or when I weigh too much and realize how gross I look. It's a never ending battle, so this one is opposite to the one above but please don't make negative comments about unattractively skinny someone with ED looks. Body shaming of ANY sorts is the opposite of helpful.

-"I wish I had to gain weight." This one is just PLAIN stupid. Please don't ever say it, it's not easy in fact it will wreck your mind trying to fight this battle.

-It was too hard to be your friend when you had ED but I'm back now. I actually lost friends when I was going through my intense therapy at 13, but later on they wanted to come back in my life. In fact, I actually had one of the mom's of my friends tell my mom that her daughter couldn't be around me because she didn't want her to catch my eating disorder. We will never get over this nor or we trying to give it to anyone else. Anyone with an addiction needs a support system so think of all the good you could bring to that friend's life {this is when the whole "treat others how you want to be treated" should kick in}.


I hope this doesn't come off as harsh and I realize that my brain works differently than someone that doesn't suffer from an ED. It's such a sensitive topic and a vulnerable one for me to share. I hold a lot of embarrassment for it but I hope that it just makes you more aware of how your words can hurt, whether you mean for them to or not. Please say everything intentional. 

heart blog: the comeback kid.

Don't call it a comeback, y'all. {anytime I think comeback I think this song ha side note!}

 It has been over a week since I've talked to y'all and it feels sooooo gooood to be back! It was definitely not a planned hiatus and I am fortunately here to say everyone is alive and well. DEPRESSION sucks y'all, like blows. It comes in about once a month and knocks you on your butt for several days and this time, it brought friends. It got to a point where I thought I had been down so long I couldn't come back to my little corner of the internet but I know as a person of faith that it was satan and I'm sick of that guy. He has his stronghold of depression around my neck and some days I give in {not completely} but enough to feel dead while still alive but this week I've been more inspired than normal to completely kick this illness on its butt. It had almost convienced me I couldn't do this blog but I need this blog. This blog is a source of joy and light in my life and I don't want to lose it or my blogging friends. I can honestly say the worst part is that you'll have some really good weeks like the one when I had last posted, I thought I had good material to post that week. I was getting great feedback. I had worked out. Everything at my actual job was on point and then BAM. It comes back worse and puts you farther behind and I will say that I usually give up. But today I am not. I will not give up my job. I will not give up my marriage. or my blog. or friendships. not even hot yoga and my wellness. More importantly I will not give up my faith, faith that even in the storms I have a heavenly Father that has promises to fulfill on me.

A lot of my depression stems from anger. Anger towards my faith in God, anger towards how other people's lives turned out, anger at myself. Anger towards God in the sense that I prayed for so long for healing on my family and I know I haven't been completely transparent with y'all. As you know, my brother passed away from an overdose, I will never hide that but my dad is also an addict and not a recovering one unforunately so I walk around with a lot of anger due to the fact that I see people turn away from addiction but I haven't seen someone that is so near to my heart. It brings up questions like what's wrong with my prayers that I don't deserve them answered? or I picture God as a vengeful God and all my mistakes must have lead me to this life of sorrow as you watch such close members of your family disappear and I'm not just talking about a little anger but YEARS of anger.

But I've been really wrestling with a lot of things in my head lately when it dawned on me...God didn't promise me a life with a father and a mother and siblings. He didn't promise me a marriage. He didn't promise me a car and a career that I love. He didn't even promise me good health, he promised me an eternal life with Him if I ask for forgiveness from my sin and turn and repent. The rest is just icing on the cake. So here lately, I have been constantly repeating "And Even Not" meaning and even if I never have a relationship with my dad and if I don't see him recover and if I have to bury him like I did my brother. That is just a one of many examples of where I have been using that statement. I know today wasn't showing y'all what my favorite pins on pinterest were or instagram pics on what's been going on in Lindsay's world. I hope that you see I've given y'all an inside look at my heart and also feel how grateful I am for this blog.

See y'all tomorrow for a not so heavy post from this Not A Mom! PS. I'm doing my first guest post over at Colors of Life today and so excited for it, please check it out!

xoxoxoxoxo

heart blog: not a mom

hi loves! 

I was thinking today over my little space here on the internet world and I don't know if I've shared why I chose not a mom as my blog title so that's what we're doing today.

I think about the name often and how some people are probably turned off before they ever click to check it out because of the name especially moms. I don't write this blog specially for ladies that aren't moms but when I started reading blogs it really took some research to find one that wasn't a mom{or a fantastic cook for that matter}.

So one of the reasons I started was to just share my life as a wife, a working girl and a twenty something year old that isn't a mom...yet, which leads me to..

Do I plan on being a mother? I can honestly say I have no idea. Some days I think how awesome it would be to have a baby in this little family of 2 we have currently then...there are the days where I am COMPLETELY content with being a family of 2 and maybe always being a family of 2. Tripp and I are making a nice life for the 2 of us and we have a lot of goals that don't include kids. Goals for our spiritual life, physical health, financially, my career, his career with coaching, etc.

We honestly don't get asked if we are having kids a lot, we talked about that recently. I know my mom and his family would be ecstatic if we ever do and let's be honest I definitely wonder if we would make cute babies but nevertheless for today that isn't what we are working on.

Another question is definitely..Am I able to have kids? For some reason I think if you don't have a baby at my age in the south and you're married that you must be infertile and while I understand that I have friends that would are struggling with this, I honestly don't know whether I am or not. Is that bad?! I will be honest that I struggle with an eating disorder that I was diagnosed with at 13 so my doctors have always been upfront that it may be an issue when I plan on having a baby and sometimes I tend to look at things as glass half empty and already assume I won't be able to or that I will really struggle but at this point and time I just have no idea. I've talked about adopting because I'm really not opposed to the idea unfortunately financially that is really hard so that plays into things.

One thing that I can say I struggle with as a wife but not a mom yet, I have found that women don't take to me as fast or as well as they would a woman with a baby. I feel constantly belittled or meant to feel less like a women simply because I don't know if having a baby is for me yet. I never quite feel like I fit in with women because I don't fawn over babies or talk about having a baby anytime soon. I think that's an issue with moms, sometimes it comes off to non-moms as cold and for reasons that may be out of our control that we will never fit into your secret mom clubs {is this a real thing?!}. I have some moments that I've really had to work on not being bitter about with women that are moms, simply because they've chosen that life and this is my life I've chosen right now.

I feel like I have completely rambled but I think that just shows how this is an area of my life that is open to anything. Baby, no baby, adoption, no adoption, more puppies....who knows.

So the last thing is the name of my blog, I sincerely hope that moms aren't offended by the title. It just shows where I am in life and if/when the time comes I am meant to be a mama then YES the blog name will change that's why I just chose my name as the URL. I hope that some girls just relate to not being sure of what they want their titles in life to be yet.

I love having y'all along and having friends in different areas of life but yet we all are able to come together and celebrate life no matter where we are currently.

heart blog: how to love

hey beauties! 


I am currently at work staring at my desk with piles of paperwork that I need to get to today but procrastination is my middle name and I'd rather be with you guys! I know I've been doing alot of link ups lately and as much as I love them I know you guys deserve some fresh material. So here I am with another heart blog, I think why I don't LOVE writing these is because it can get pretty ugly on my side of things being so honest and just hoping that someone can relate and not completely judge me butttt here I am....ugly me!

Today's Topic: LOVE LANGUAGES

I know you guys have probably all heard of the 5 love languages book and/or taken the test so that will make this post more fun because please share which love language you received. Tripp and I took this test in pre-marital counseling February of 2014 but we re-took it last night with our marriage small group and I think it's such a great concept for single, dating, engaged or married people to do. I am all about some self-awareness because I really think I lack that and this really helps you get to know yourself better, especially if you are honest while taking it.

Which brings me to my next thing, when I first took it I wasn't completely honest because of course I want to sound like the best version of myself. So last night when we took it, I was completely honest and it was refreshing to get my answers knowing that I was honest and this is who I was and honestly, it made Tripp understand me alot more which is funny considering we've been together almost 5 years.

The test is 30 questions and the options of answers are: Acts of Service, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. 

I was not surprised to get a total of 9 [the max you can get is 12] for Receiving Gifts. When my pastor explained last night that receiving gifts isn't a greedy thing, it's a "I got you your favorite candy" or anything remotely in that category. When I got Receiving Gifts, I realized that it should've been clear all along. I grew up with birthdays always being a big deal at our house, it was always a good day. Even when we were young, we would wake up to our age being posted all over the house and being made to feel like the most special person thanks to my mom. Then I realized that I still love my birthday like a child and that I constantly try to get Tripp little or big things and I never quite understand why he doesn't freak out as much as I would..I am very fortunate for Tripp because I had several boyfriends growing up that took advantage of my way of loving someone but Tripp keeps me in check and knowing his love language isn't the same as mine is teaching me alot. I grew up as the type of person that wants to say, Just Get Over It or Stop Being a Baby because of situations and last night learning more about each other I realized that is actually the EXACT OPPOSITE of what Tripp needs and wants.

Which means he has a different love language and today I've really tried to start considering that. He had the most points for Words of Affirmation which I do think a lot of guys relate too. I am the type that words don't really mean a lot to me so I am trying to realize he is a different person than I am and I need to learn to love him in a way that he needs. It probably isn't hard for a lot of women to comfort with words but I tend to be very cold with words, situations didn't help this and it will be a very hard to task to completely adapt to Tripp needing this way of love but an exciting adventure and I look forward to becoming the type of person that can fulfill that need for him.

Our pastor also talked about how God meets us where we are in our love language and doing the same for Him. I am pondering this and would love any thoughts y'all have on it. I wish I could say I am happy with my relationship with God but I am SO the opposite of that. Depression has been winning my life the past few weeks, which I know means I'm letting satan win. I haven't worked out, I haven't tried to make any great changes, my diet has been crap and I've slept any chance possible which ends up making me feel worst. I have a lot of changes going in life and a lot of changes I need to make that are not comfortable. I always have these great goals and when depression wins it comes back 10 times harder but I know if I can get my diet and working out that my overall outlook will change [it always does].

I hope that my heart blog helps y'all today and know that whatever it is you aren't alone in the ugly times of life. 

I've attached the online test for y'all, I would love to know what your love language is and how you adapt to loving your significant other or even yourself by using your/their language.  

Also, all this love language talk made me think of this song.

heart blog: misfit monday

hey loves!

So another weekend has come and gone and it was a relatively calm one #PTL! Tripp coached the high school football game Friday night, we cleaned the house Saturday and ordered pizza then Sunday church and babysitting the niece and nephew so I don't have anything cool/interesting to share with y'all about my weekend.....EXCEPT this..Tripp and I were able to have a lot of heart to hearts this weekend because of the calmness and one thing we talk about a lot is friendships which leads me to this post.

My entire life has been a struggle with friendships. I know that God meant us to have a life that flourishes with friendships not just a significant other relationship. Tripp is my best friend but my heart has and will always be open to friends. In my life, friendships have been a bigger struggle than dating relationships. I am transparent about my life growing up was not easy so I do understand that it was more than difficult to be a friend during that time. It was tedious, stressful and downright a lifetime movie. So I give friends in my childhood and teens a break...it was hard and I can see why I didn't have any or friends for long.
Growing up I had the Disney afternoon schedule memorized while my brother played outside with his friends. In my teens, I would have a handful of girls that came in and out of my life but most of that stopped by the time I hit my 20s. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am great at making acquaintances. One time I heard  a pastor say that you need to make wells out of relationships and I just have a bunch of puddles {I see you, J. Fox}. At this point in my life I just feel wrecked from emotionally putting myself out there with girlfriends and being left as a puddle. If you would have told 12 year old Lindsay that at 24, she would still struggle with having friends well, I'm just glad no one did because it is insanely defeating. {I realize all the people wanting to make the comment, oh but you were home schooled. Well, making friends wasn't hard...it's keeping them.}
So what is this post about? Having no friends? #reallylindsay?!
No, it's that I don't understand the world we live in where I am told as a being a believer my whole life to go out and fellowship while the majority of girls that have showed zero interest in being my friend were fellow believers. I'm so thankful that I already knew God and His love because I can't imagine how it would come off being shunned as a non-believer. I became very vulnerable while writing this because outside of my mom and my husband, I have not outright admitted that I have no friends. It was hard to write this post mostly because I didn't want to come off as poor, pitiful me or as a freak because what's my problem for having no friends. I write it to relate to not just the girl with no friends, but the WOMAN who desires female friendships and see how they are extremely beneficial but if not taken care of, very harmful. I also write this to female believers, WAKE UP, there are girls NEEDING friendships and completely worthy of them. Who are you to miss out on someone that could completely benefit your life!? I truly have so much in my heart to give friends.



So I leave you with this heart blog. I hope someone can feel less alone by reading this. 

See y'all tomorrow for Training Tuesday {I'm gonna share my soon-to-be lifestyle changes}!