Tuesday, November 5, 2019

this is me.

I never want to write things out of a poor pitiful me place because the majority of my struggles are entirely self-inflicted. Why didn’t I do nursing school before having a kid? Why didn’t wait on having a kid? Why did I spend so much of my life scared to venture outside of the office for a career? Why do I have to bring my parents issues into my marriage? Why can’t I just accept the fact that my dad doesn’t want me instead of letting it tear me down constantly? I’m supposed to be on my period right now but thanks to birth control, I have skipped it but apparently you can’t skip the emotional part. I just feel SO worn down. Again, entirely my own fault. It’s all just hard. I just want to figure out how to be a functioning adult. Truthfully, I think this is me talking to God but I really don’t even know how. I get too overwhelmed with praying or feel incapable because I’m not sure how to do it anymore. I remember how I believed as a child and into high-school and I have no idea how I was ever that person. I was so strong then and sure enough I let the world beat me down and satan win. I want to take it back but I feel like for the last 10 years I’ve been like a lost puppy with no idea where to go or what to do with my faith. I never stopped believing in God, I just stopped believing in that He wanted to work in my life but also that was me assuming that I deserved a brother, or a dad or a family unit. That God would redeem my family and one day the four of us would have such a testimony and it’s not that He couldn’t but it’s that He didn’t but also He never told me that He would. He never promised me that, He promises me eternity so what do I do with that? What do I do with okay, everything is different and maybe my coping skills aren’t great and maybe I grieve too long and maybe my functioning needs work…What step is next? I have accepted that the family I was born into is no more. That my only sibling is dead. That my dad chooses drugs over me. That my mom wants a relationship with me but only if I don’t express my opinion about the way she is living her life or making choices. If I smile and am okay with everyone and everything what does that get me? Friends, relationships, company? No, I am still alone. I have never had friends in my life, like true friends. I have acquaintances for seasons. That’s been my whole life. I used to have the Disney channel lineup memorized because those were my friends. That was reliable and consistent and I could count on it and it never left me and it never changed. But another thing He didn't promise me, I put too much hope into a person being able to fix me. Like having a family, a dad, a friend, my brother back would fix me but it wouldn't. I need God and I know that but for some reason, I have to remind myself daily. I don't need the people that I thought I needed. I don't even need the success I dreamed about as a child. My life is hard and has been consistently hard since I can remember. The type of hard has changed, I used to worry about fighting for my life from a drunk, or praying my dad would come home and not scream at us for no reason or that my mom would finally recognize her worth so we could get the heck out of dodge. Now it’s trying to keep my eyelids peeled open so I can study to provide eventually for my family, or having enough energy to be a mom every day, or adapting to changes that affect me but I have no control over and my depression. Ohhhh, you sneaky son of a gun, you. It is there and has been with me for a few months now, maybe this whole semester. It's not me being sad and oh gosh, crying. No, it's me getting up everyday and reminding myself that my son needs me and my husband wants me here and those are 2 of the many reasons why I can't kill myself today. That's my depression. My depression is waking up and reminding myself everything terrible I have ever done and how when I prayed to stop breathing, it didn't work. I never want people to think depression is crying. It's actually not a lot of crying. I just hate faking happy or being poor pitiful me. So here is me saying not everything is okay but most of it is my own doing and that’s okay and I’m surviving on the mustard seed of faith that I can muster up right now. 

Also, this isn't a place where I'm gonna post my top my favorites on Friday. I need this to be a place where I can talk about my feelings and that's it. Because when I started this that is what I was good at and that is what I want it to be. I'm not a blogger, I am a writer and I need to write and I hope you can relate.

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

what's up wednesday

I have missed this! I thought I would pop in to do a quick "what's up Wednesday."
This is what first got me blogging and it's my favorite to read to catch up with everyone.

1. What I'm eating this week...

Let's be honest that I've never been known for my cooking on this blog or in my home and becoming a mom hasn't changed that really. But I have decided to see what a gluten free lifestyle will do to my body, mostly because of gut issues and etc. So wish me luck on that...! Also, I love following @nocrumbsleft on instagram and have done her counter onions [marinated onions] this week. A+++++ for salads or really anything else. 


2. What I'm reminiscing about.....
If you would've told me last summer that I would actually miss the pregnancy summer of 2017, I would've laughed in your face but currently I am battling PPD and thinking how I excited I was last summer waiting on my little bundle of joy to arrive. He's here now and PPD is kicking my behind. Any tips that any mama's out there may have on how they keep their PPD at bay, holler at your girl!

PS. this time last year I was so SWOLLEN and so miserable but the excitement of knowing my RO was coming was worth all the pain.

3. What I'm loving.... 
So you guys and gals probably have lots of cool finds from the nordstrom anniversary sale or prime day. Well I didn't get anything on either of those, so wah wahhh. I am bummed I missed out the nordstrom sale because they have great basics and christmas gifts.

recently bought these things from amazon [not on prime day] and love them.




Not just the french toast candle but any mainstays candles because at the rate I burn them, they need to be cheap but still smell and these work perfect for that. I have been getting COZY COMFORT, FRENCH TOAST and WARM APPLE PIE because I am in NEED of FALL to be here. 

4. What have I [we] been up to....
Well I would hate to bore y'all at this moment with pictures of my babe but here are a few for you!
  [taking sink baths]

 [getting kicked out of nursery at church for crying]

[reading the newspaper with his great grandmother]


5. What I'm dreading..
The continuous HOT weather, it's so hot it's almost hard to breathe. It's basically impossible to do anything with an infant in this weather because he gets so sweaty..I get so sweaty.. we both get miserable.

6. What I'm working on...

I start back classes on 8/15 so working part time, keeping Roman alive and classes are about it. Tripp goes back to work the 1st week of August so life gets back to a routine, summer always feels so unorganized after 9 months of a routine.

7. What I'm excited about..

FALLLLLLL!!!!!!! We're so close people! Get to your local craft store now and buy all of the pumpkin decor...STAT!

8. What I'm watching/listening to....


9. What am I listening to...

Thanks to my good friend, Stu for sending me this little diddy. It's on repeat currently.

These two podcasts I'm binging-

10. What I'm wearing...
Is this even a question?! I hope that by fall I can post cute clothes but y'all I'm lucky if my hair is clean so what I'm wearing is so not in tune with what's important right now..
PS. I have read that getting dressed everyday will help with PPD so I need to try it, but also I realize how that sounds and NO, I don't run around my house naked. I meant like going out of the house clothes and brushing my hair. 

11. What I'm doing this weekend...
Actually big plans- my niece turns 7 so roman and I are loading up to go to the American Girl Doll store in Franklin, Tn with her. Roman doesn't know it but I'm sure he's very excited for the road trip! PS. Roman is a horrible traveler currently, pray for me.

12. What am I looking forward to next month...
Football season! && The Otis family gets back to a routine!

13. What else is new...

14. What is your favorite thing you've done this summer..
Just plain ole made a bunch of memories with these guys. Couldn't be more thankful for this time!

PSS. Today would have been my Uncle Al's birthday and it is kind of fitting that I would blog today because he was my blog's BIGGEST supporter. I think he was the first reader every morning and would text me right after he read. I'll be missing you, Unc. Happy Birthday <3 p="">

Thursday, April 27, 2017

oh, uncle al.

I've put this off for a few weeks mostly because I knew it would put me in a sad head space and yes, sometimes I like to avoid that. But on April 10, 2017, I lost one of the most important guys in my life unexpectedly. Unexpected death seems to be a running theme for my life. I could go pro now. After saying bye to my brother who was 26 years young, grief was a friend I was all too familiar with.

Micah's death was on April 5, 2014 so on April 5th this year, I never imagined just 5 short days later I would lose Micah's best friend, the guy that was like my dad, my mom's brother, my employee and to many others, Big Al.

I am not close to my biological father, no surprise. It's old news that I've talked about before and this post isn't about him. The good Lord blessed me with two guys that would play such a consistent role my life, you can literally see the finger prints of them on my personality. My Granddad was always my granddad and such a granddad. He adored me, I adored him, he let me get away with anything and in return, he had a little girl that thought he walked on water. Then there was Uncle Al, uncle al was more of a dad than anyone else in my life. He loved me and called me out on my crap in the same breath. I loved it. We cared about each other in a way that meant we would always be honest with each other no matter the topic. Him and his wife, my Aunt Becky were just an extra set of parents God blessed me with. It was such an accurate statement that me and him lived by the saying, we can't help the Lord gave me to the wrong parents.

When Aunt Becky died in 2011, my relationship with Uncle Al grew even more [I didn't even realize it was possible] to the point that he has been working for me for a year as our front desk guy. He was so friendly, sometimes too social, my errand runner, lunch getter and security guard. He was a constant comedic in the office with mom and I and if there was ever something we would rather not do, he was game for it. He loved people and people loved him back.

I am so thankful that God gave me two fatherly examples in my life and I am so very sad that Uncle Al will not get to meet Roman here on this earth. He had just come to our gender reveal party on 4/1 and was so excited that I was having a boy. I let myself miss him, it's too hard not to. I am so thankful I have so many memories with him, losing Micah as young as we did, I have learned to be thankful for someone that lives over 40 because that's almost double the amount of time I had my brother.

He was my bud, a father figure, my biggest aggravator, one of my biggest fans and my uncle al.

ps. he loved my blog and I know he would be mad it took me this long to write a post about him.
 [baby linds and uncle al]
 [us at work for halloween 2016]

 [mom and I with my extra parents]

 [the scariest face swap of all time hah]

[speaking of Granddaddy Bill, that's him, Grandmother, Mom, Uncle Al and me this past thanksgiving] 
 [heaven just got a little more fun with these two together again, that's a reunion I wish I could've seen]

 [I am so thankful for how close Tripp and Uncle al were]
[at my wedding probably aggravating me about something] 

Heaven seems sweeter every time I think of my loves that already up there. 😍