Saturday, August 30, 2014

Happy Birthday Micah

I've been meaning to write the past couple a weeks so I apologize for just now getting to it.

August 17 would've been Micah's 27th birthday and I wanted to write something for that but I honestly didn't handle it as well as I would've liked. I had plans to get out of the house that day and do all this fun stuff but instead, I slept..A LOT. I did eat some pizza though (Micah's fav) and saw my parents for about an hour and that helped. I just didn't feel like moving that day and I knew I was too emotional to write a blog post. I hope next year on his birthday I am able to make myself get out of house and do something, something he enjoyed. His birthday fell on a Sunday this year and that night I was feeling absolutely defeated, defeated for not doing anything, for not really living his first birthday in heaven, for sleeping it away. I really beat myself up and got extremely ill at the world. I know if anyone else had been going through this that I would've been like it's silly to be that hard on yourself, this is the first one, etc. But of course, I am my own worst enemy so my internal battle that night made that day even harder. I just felt like a failure. Tripp was supposed to work that day but he was sweet and stayed home which did help because it is easy to feel very lonely when it comes to events that remind me of Micah.

Birthdays were ALWAYS a big deal growing up. Heck, I even call mine Lindsaypalooza. Micah would always make fun of me and write, Happy Birthday Faggot in my card :). Never thought I'd miss being called Faggot! But my parents always made a big deal about birthdays and because me and Micah were so close growing up, we would even get small gifts on each other's birthday. I remember one birthday in particular, it was Micah's and he got $100 to go to Toys R Us and I got $20. It was a blast! We could buy whatever we wanted. But that was just an example of how my parents did our birthdays, so I knew it was gonna be hard. Plus we would always go to my Grandmother and Granddaddy's house for birthday dinner, every year, even now.

So my plans were to write a blog post, in memory of his birthday. Then go to the movies and guitar center because those were his favorite things. I hope that I can stick to the plan next year, it's just hard to make yourself when you're feeling that blue.

It took me awhile to think about what I should write in honor of his birthday, I didn't wanna focus on the depressing facts so I'm want to write a few facts that made me love my brother so much and remember him that way.

1) His nickname for me was Faggot, as mentioned above.
2) I never wanted a sister, I loved every second of having a brother and soaked in every ounce of boy knowledge. That being said, a lot of guys thought I was really cool for my knowledge of all sports and video games and it was ALL because of Micah. Needless to say without him here, I am very uncool. (thank God I'm done dating!)
3) When we were little we would sit in his room and play banjo kazooie on his N64, except we would mute the sounds and I would make them talk while he played. Don't ask me but we thought this was hilarious.
4) I am an Auburn fan because of him and I haven't processed not having him here this season. He was a huge Auburn fan and I didn't even have to watch the game to know how it was going when I lived with him, when I heard "Yahhh!" "Go go go!" or clapping was a good sign, any expletives were all bad signs.
5) We did karate together for 7 years, so just picture our poor mom when we would fight at home.
6) He was the kindest dude in the world and I loved the talks we had when it was just me and him. Sometimes in hard situations I think about what he would say to me and it helps and makes me laugh.
7) Growing up with a brother makes you have extremely thick skin and I love that. Once before I left on a date, he so nicely informed me that I smelled like a tropical fruit nightmare. (thanks bub!)
8) He would be happy with how close his death has brought both sides on my family. He never understood arguing and only wanted everyone to get along and now I totally agree.
9) The summer of 09, we didn't have AC at the trailer and I didn't have a car yet so we watched all the seasons of The Wire in his room with ice packs all over our heads. One of the best memory's I have.
10) Our love of caffeine is something to be scared of, me and him could match each other on caffeine intakes and it is quite scary. We loved us some energy drinks!

I think looking back, if I could give myself or anyone else that has yet to experience the first birthday of a brother/sister that has passed is to take it minute by minute, especially that day. Go with whatever you're feeling, even if it's exhausted. Don't hate on yourself, especially this day. Make plans to do something fun but it's okay if the day comes and you don't want to do any of it. Don't be alone, if you can't find someone to be with you, call me! Again it's a minute by minute process right now. I think the hardest thing is this first year, every day is a new day that you have yet to experience without your sibling so taking that in and knowing that it can effect you differently and it change you in an instant.






  1. Always a sister! What a beautiful brother! Thanks you for opening your heart to the world and sharing about the love and memories, and the heartache of losing your brother to an overdose. Grace and peace. Keep sharing. We'll keep reading.

  2. Thank you for this. My son Andrew died (accidental overdose) on January 1 2014. His birthday is October 3rd he had one sister Amanda I will ask Amanda to read your blog maybe it will help her. This is all just so sad. I feel for you and my daughter. You both have pain like no other and I am so so sorry.

  3. Thanks for sharing your memories and love for your brother. I love your writings!


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