Tuesday, July 1, 2014

April 5th, 2014

My brother, Micah died on April 5th, 2014 at 26 years young. I hope that through this blog I can learn from others and their experience and somewhere along the way begin to help others heal from my experience.

My name is Lindsay Grace McKeever and I was born on October 27, 1990 to a  mother, a  father and big brother. Our family was always being tested and whether we always handled it right or not was a different story. What happened on April 5th, 2014 was something that we always knew COULD happen but is also something that you can NEVER be prepared for as a family, as a daughter or as a sister. I don't know what I expected out of life when I found out my brother passed away, I do remember being terrified about what was about to happen with our lives. Our lives have always been dysfunctional, just like every family I know. Sometimes our struggles were different than others, but I knew how to handle it, I had it down to a science. Death is not something I had dealt with often, my Aunt died in 2011, she had been sick for a while so it was a bittersweet time that we were just thankful that she was no longer in pain, but other than losing her I was pretty fortunate to not have lost many.

It has the been hardest thing I've ever had to go through and unfortunately, the comments that others have made following Micah's death and how he died have been destructive to the healing process for me. It is truly ridiculous the things people think is okay to say to others grieving. Even though I had never dealt with a death this personal before, I have the common sense to know what is comforting and what is cruel. I would say the two cruelest things I have heard is: "At least he isn't causing you pain anymore." & "Why is everyone acting surprised that he died?" I have even been told that I am not grieving properly, as well. So it is pretty shocking when you have been told multiple times that there is "no rule book to grieving" then to hear that I am letting grieving take over my life or I am not doing it correctly. This world is cruel and I often find myself being envious that Micah is in heaven and he left me here to overcome all of this. I hope that as I get through this I will truly develop such a compassion toward others and that I will be able to use Micah's death to help others see that they are more than the words people use to describe or define them and that God does not see those words when He looks at His children. I keep saying that if I can help one person with Micah's death or how he died or even how I am handling his death then it will all make sense and I really feel the need to help others. I feel desperate for all of this to make sense. I feel desperate to learn as much about heaven as possible. I need to know that Bub's okay and what he's doing and that he knows even in death I will have his back and use his story.

I haven't spoken to Micah since January 12th due to his actions, but I did not hate Micah. I feel sad that people would even think that I should or that I could hate my only brother and my only sibling. Micah was not his actions or his addiction. He was my brother, my parent's son and loved by many. I feel bad for those who didn't know Micah because he had the BIGGEST heart and was such a goofball.

I hope that through this blog I can find healing and comfort. I hope that someone can stumble across this and find something beneficial as well. I am desperate to help others and pray that no one will have to hear some of the cruel things I have when grieving. If you are someone that is currently grieving, please know that you are already so much stronger than people who make those comments. That by waking up everyday and doing life is a huge accomplish. That God is such a comforter and He can truly be your everything and your strength during this time.

 

One day at a time.

 

In His steps,

 

Linds

 

15 comments :

  1. Well said, Lindsay. I've attended several funerals that were siblings of friends, and I cannot imagine their pain. I've even blogged about it. Psalm 73:26 gets me through a lot. Thank you for sharing this, and I'll continue to lift you and your family up in prayer.

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  2. Lindsay always remember that others can not feel what you feel until they have loss a brother, it's been 7 years since Kimberly died and it still feels like yesterday. I still cry when I see a car like her, or a picture that reminds me of our fun times together, Just you only will be able to feel how special of the relationship you and Micah had. Don't let other hurt your feelings cause they can't understand the hurt you feel. How can you know someone all your life and that person is gone not feel a great loss. I am still praying for your family I know I am still hurting too. We will never forget or truly go on as others can with there life cause there will always be a empty space in our heart and life. Love your family. I hope I help you not hurt you. God know our life and He cares.!!!!!

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  3. Thanks so much, Tina! I appreciate all the kindness and prayers sent our way.

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  4. Thank you so much Ms. Gail! I hate that both families have experienced such a loss but I appreciate others who understand and express such compassion. Praying and Love ya'll!

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  5. Lindsay,
    FIrst I would like to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I also want to tell you that I am a recovering drug addict and have been sober almost 4 years. The struggle to stay sober and clean has been a challenge,however as the days go by,it gets easier and easier. I have now a great relationship with God who loves me despite ALL my imperfections. Addiction is a diease just as diabetes,and cancer. When someone with cancer or any other terminal disease dies we don't say negative,cruel remarks. I have found that the alcohol and drug were but a sympton and the problem was lying within me. We are all part of a big dysfunctional family,we were ALL born into sin,and only the saving through Christ Jesus can restore us. It is unfortunate but some of us turn to drugs/alcohol in order to cope with life,and some don't,however that does not make us any less of a person. I did not know your brother however I know his struggles as do all of us who struggle with addiction. As far as the cruel comments go, well all I know is ignorance is found in all type of people. I do know this, your brother is no longer suffering with any affliction, he is at peace.
    Thank you for this dedication to your brother. May God comfort you, and your family

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  6. Sherri, I so appreciate you taking the time to read this and comment. I want this blog to help and I want to be able to heal through it as well. I think it's so sad that people want to focus on others issues even in their death but we are so much more than our issues. I am thankful that you were able to go through recovery for you and your family. Thank you again for the sweet words.

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  7. Sharon Terry McClungJuly 1, 2014 at 10:42 AM

    I am so sorry for your loss! I have known your family for about 48 years! You and your family are in my prayers and I send my love to y'all! You are Steve's daughter, right? I was good friends with Nancy and Lisa and had a crush on Steve! Funny looking back through the years! Hope you have a good day. Enjoyed reading your blog.

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  8. I can very much relate to your pain. I lost my brother in 2001 at 20 years young. You are exactly where you need to be. This will likely be the most difficult experience of your life. In time, you will integrate Micah's death into your living. His story will become your story. In the months ahead you may feel like others are forgetting him. You may see people eating, laughing and living and it makes it hard to breathe because the fact that he is no longer creates a void in your soul that you will feel like is impossible to live with. Keep telling his story. Keep talking. Keep breathing. It won't ever go away, but in time, it will ease...and don't feel guilty for letting go. One breath, one step, one day at a time.
    Leigh Ann Stroud

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  9. Enjoyed reading your post. I definitely related to the part about people saying "there's no rulebook to grieving." That's actually in my blog on here too lol.

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  10. Lindsey I am so sorry for your loss! I know how you feel on the grieving part! I lost my Mother on April 28,2014. I still feel like I'm in a dream! There are so many days I want to pick up the phone and talk to her or go see her and give her a hug but she is no longer here all I have are her Memories! It's so hard losing someone it doesn't matter what they did they are a part of you It's gruel for people to say bad things to you or your Mother I know it's hard but try to ignore what they say you know how you feel more than anyone! Praying for you and your Family for peace and comfort.

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  11. I am so sorry for your loss.He was not his actions or addiction.A very powerful statement. That has opened my eyes. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  12. I am Steve's daughter. Thank you so much for your comment.

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  13. Leigh Ann, thank you so much for the encouragement and insight. It really does give me hope when I hear of others who have experienced the same pain but have found ways to cope and heal.

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  14. Thanks so much for the comment, Paully.

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  15. Lindsay, you are doing a great thing in his memory. I lost my brother to heroin on January 5, 2014. My mom and I have started a support group to help friends and family members of people with addictions. We are trying to help everyone we can. If u ever wanna talk, please feel free to look our group on Facebook. It's called Thera-CHE Family Support Group.

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