April 5th, 2014

My brother, Micah died on April 5th, 2014 at 26 years young. I hope that through this blog I can learn from others and their experience and somewhere along the way begin to help others heal from my experience.

My name is Lindsay Grace McKeever and I was born on October 27, 1990 to a  mother, a  father and big brother. Our family was always being tested and whether we always handled it right or not was a different story. What happened on April 5th, 2014 was something that we always knew COULD happen but is also something that you can NEVER be prepared for as a family, as a daughter or as a sister. I don't know what I expected out of life when I found out my brother passed away, I do remember being terrified about what was about to happen with our lives. Our lives have always been dysfunctional, just like every family I know. Sometimes our struggles were different than others, but I knew how to handle it, I had it down to a science. Death is not something I had dealt with often, my Aunt died in 2011, she had been sick for a while so it was a bittersweet time that we were just thankful that she was no longer in pain, but other than losing her I was pretty fortunate to not have lost many.

It has the been hardest thing I've ever had to go through and unfortunately, the comments that others have made following Micah's death and how he died have been destructive to the healing process for me. It is truly ridiculous the things people think is okay to say to others grieving. Even though I had never dealt with a death this personal before, I have the common sense to know what is comforting and what is cruel. I would say the two cruelest things I have heard is: "At least he isn't causing you pain anymore." & "Why is everyone acting surprised that he died?" I have even been told that I am not grieving properly, as well. So it is pretty shocking when you have been told multiple times that there is "no rule book to grieving" then to hear that I am letting grieving take over my life or I am not doing it correctly. This world is cruel and I often find myself being envious that Micah is in heaven and he left me here to overcome all of this. I hope that as I get through this I will truly develop such a compassion toward others and that I will be able to use Micah's death to help others see that they are more than the words people use to describe or define them and that God does not see those words when He looks at His children. I keep saying that if I can help one person with Micah's death or how he died or even how I am handling his death then it will all make sense and I really feel the need to help others. I feel desperate for all of this to make sense. I feel desperate to learn as much about heaven as possible. I need to know that Bub's okay and what he's doing and that he knows even in death I will have his back and use his story.

I haven't spoken to Micah since January 12th due to his actions, but I did not hate Micah. I feel sad that people would even think that I should or that I could hate my only brother and my only sibling. Micah was not his actions or his addiction. He was my brother, my parent's son and loved by many. I feel bad for those who didn't know Micah because he had the BIGGEST heart and was such a goofball.

I hope that through this blog I can find healing and comfort. I hope that someone can stumble across this and find something beneficial as well. I am desperate to help others and pray that no one will have to hear some of the cruel things I have when grieving. If you are someone that is currently grieving, please know that you are already so much stronger than people who make those comments. That by waking up everyday and doing life is a huge accomplish. That God is such a comforter and He can truly be your everything and your strength during this time.

 

One day at a time.

 

In His steps,

 

Linds