this is me.

I never want to write things out of a poor pitiful me place because the majority of my struggles are entirely self-inflicted. Why didn’t I do nursing school before having a kid? Why didn’t wait on having a kid? Why did I spend so much of my life scared to venture outside of the office for a career? Why do I have to bring my parents issues into my marriage? Why can’t I just accept the fact that my dad doesn’t want me instead of letting it tear me down constantly? I’m supposed to be on my period right now but thanks to birth control, I have skipped it but apparently you can’t skip the emotional part. I just feel SO worn down. Again, entirely my own fault. It’s all just hard. I just want to figure out how to be a functioning adult. Truthfully, I think this is me talking to God but I really don’t even know how. I get too overwhelmed with praying or feel incapable because I’m not sure how to do it anymore. I remember how I believed as a child and into high-school and I have no idea how I was ever that person. I was so strong then and sure enough I let the world beat me down and satan win. I want to take it back but I feel like for the last 10 years I’ve been like a lost puppy with no idea where to go or what to do with my faith. I never stopped believing in God, I just stopped believing in that He wanted to work in my life but also that was me assuming that I deserved a brother, or a dad or a family unit. That God would redeem my family and one day the four of us would have such a testimony and it’s not that He couldn’t but it’s that He didn’t but also He never told me that He would. He never promised me that, He promises me eternity so what do I do with that? What do I do with okay, everything is different and maybe my coping skills aren’t great and maybe I grieve too long and maybe my functioning needs work…What step is next? I have accepted that the family I was born into is no more. That my only sibling is dead. That my dad chooses drugs over me. That my mom wants a relationship with me but only if I don’t express my opinion about the way she is living her life or making choices. If I smile and am okay with everyone and everything what does that get me? Friends, relationships, company? No, I am still alone. I have never had friends in my life, like true friends. I have acquaintances for seasons. That’s been my whole life. I used to have the Disney channel lineup memorized because those were my friends. That was reliable and consistent and I could count on it and it never left me and it never changed. But another thing He didn't promise me, I put too much hope into a person being able to fix me. Like having a family, a dad, a friend, my brother back would fix me but it wouldn't. I need God and I know that but for some reason, I have to remind myself daily. I don't need the people that I thought I needed. I don't even need the success I dreamed about as a child. My life is hard and has been consistently hard since I can remember. The type of hard has changed, I used to worry about fighting for my life from a drunk, or praying my dad would come home and not scream at us for no reason or that my mom would finally recognize her worth so we could get the heck out of dodge. Now it’s trying to keep my eyelids peeled open so I can study to provide eventually for my family, or having enough energy to be a mom every day, or adapting to changes that affect me but I have no control over and my depression. Ohhhh, you sneaky son of a gun, you. It is there and has been with me for a few months now, maybe this whole semester. It's not me being sad and oh gosh, crying. No, it's me getting up everyday and reminding myself that my son needs me and my husband wants me here and those are 2 of the many reasons why I can't kill myself today. That's my depression. My depression is waking up and reminding myself everything terrible I have ever done and how when I prayed to stop breathing, it didn't work. I never want people to think depression is crying. It's actually not a lot of crying. I just hate faking happy or being poor pitiful me. So here is me saying not everything is okay but most of it is my own doing and that’s okay and I’m surviving on the mustard seed of faith that I can muster up right now. 

Also, this isn't a place where I'm gonna post my top my favorites on Friday. I need this to be a place where I can talk about my feelings and that's it. Because when I started this that is what I was good at and that is what I want it to be. I'm not a blogger, I am a writer and I need to write and I hope you can relate.