heart blog: what else can be taken away?

Wow! Life y'all. The ups and downs and constant changing is a lot to keep up for the girl that doesn't like change but I'm learning to deal. I don't have much of a choice, do I? Nope.

I'll do another post next week on what changes has been happening for my life personally. Today is a hard issue that has been on my mind since last week and I need this outlet to vent and then be able to accept what decision I've made and move on.

I haven't been able to finish my story (which I will!) but me and my dad have always had a tumultuous relationship. He has been an addict the majority of my life unfortunately and unlike my brother, he has not recognized his problem nor ever wanted help for it. Therefore as it stands, we are not on speaking terms because I gave him an ultimatum of 1) Being Honest and 2) Getting Help before I can have a relationship with him again. My therapist was in agreement that in order to stop being hurt by our relationship, I needed to make a decision and I did. I feel comfortable with that decision and confident in it.

But things change and now another decision needs to be made. My dad has been diagnosed with cancer, I want to say allegedly because I heard it from his mouth and I don't trust him. I wouldn't be surprised if he did because he has always treated his body like it is invincible and even when we learned that it is not through my brother, he is still in denial. My mom is set to go to the doctor with him today though so I will know for a fact this afternoon. So here I am with this decision of ....what does this change for me? As it stands, I don't think it should change alot. The only thing with my decision is that I need to be at a point that when something happens to him, I have no regrets because unfortunately just like with my brother, my decision is mine and there is no one else to blame it on when it is all said and done.

So my decision, if he still hasn't recognized his issue and still won't be honest with me...then what should this change. I can't have sympathy for a man that barely wants me in his life and doesn't think enough of me to give me a honest relationship.

I guess more than a "what should I do" post...I just need to vent. My dad may have a limited time left on this earth but besides sending up prayers for him, I don't think there should be much involvement on my end because I have boundaries and that is self-protection because if my father won't see it well enough to make sure I don't get hurt than I will make it my own job.

I can barely comprehend making this decision because I can't fathom the fact that drugs are taking two of the closet people in my life away. Drugs are taking so much in my life away and the fact that I have never taken them is sort of incomprehensible, I feel out of control. I can't control what all is being taken away so what can I control is my question? Of course, I control the fact that I don't touch drugs and that I've accepted that addiction is in my family and I always need to be on alert of maybe an addictive behavior I could have. I think I just feel sad, I feel sad that my family of 4 will never be whole and happy on earth, I do have faith so I believe that there is the possibility of us being together in heaven but as I am on this earth, I will not have my whole family. My kids one day, won't have an uncle or a granddad. I don't want them to have bad ideas of my family, I want them to know that they had a granddad and an uncle and that we loved them but also that addiction is real, it is a part of their family's history and we all need to recognize and stay on track with it and with our self-care routines, mental health is huge for me. I hope that I teach how important it is to my kids.

I hope you will send up prayers for me, as well. I have a decision that affects my future and that I can only hope I am making the right decision. This is real life adulting, y'all and it ain't always pretty.


 I love you all. I am thankful for this community of support!